Big

the margin seems more indented tonight
mist has begun to arrive on the bay,
although the streets are clearthe feeling tonight,
the space and the feeling
feel like there should be thick fog lining the streets
fog that prevents seeing more than 2 feet ahead
music seems louder, or perhaps i am hearing more
inane noise seems more obtrusive and i think my heart is weakening
i dont feel strong tonight
i feel done and spent and i feel empty
i want nothing more to wake up - i used to want to wake up with someone
but when someone isnt what someone should be
or was in your head
then it changes to wanting to wake alone
wake up on a work day and lie in bed
the world expects your suit and tie but you present nothing
nothing but laying in bed,
all day,
all day until oprah
then bed.
bed presents headspace clarity.
well, not clarity
but bed means no more complications can be birthed
bed is comfortable and it is forgiving
and supportive although at times it can remind of feelings
feelings that are good and bad, when good becomes bad
and bad also inverts, that moment, that situation
that problem
i believe to be purgatory
its when it was so good and is so good
but its looked back on with sadness and pain
it's not over yet. it is over yet, but its not over yet.
there is more and less to do but its over
i mean, the blood stopped pumping months ago
it's on life support.
supported not by a comfortable bed
but my comfort. the comfort of laurels.
the comfort of being okay
or making it okay, which is what we do, its our conditioning.
make it okay, okay is what life is.
life is okay.
dreamers think there is more.
but dreamers dont have jobs.
dreamers are poor and dont life the life.
happiness is not worth the loss of income.
not today.
not with everything being so expensive.
i want to look back on big grocery bills, big bank statements
big things
and know i traded love in for big things.
perhaps a big love will change that, a roxette styled big love
with flowers and the plot line of a movie.
with mystery
and obvious workings from something we dont know or understand
universe, destiny, fate, karma, manifesting
a force
a secret
coincidences will be escalated to divine work
the knots will be there to begin. and then fade
flowers will continue sporadically
a big love is clear.
its fundamental
a big love will support debt and growth
but it will not dictate, the debt will not be the love
not a big love.
is everyone capable of a big love?
is everyone deserved of a big love?
big love
i'm not typing well tonight.
i feel like i want to throw my socks out the window
this room does not have a window
to think of a room without windows is to think of wartime
wartime darkness and despair
wartime heros and villains and players and killers
i am wearing clothes to bed
its cold
the streets are probably unclear by now
its not warm
its very cold
big cold.
tomorrow is work and tomorrow is phones and life
is this life hell
is hell the noose,
the designer noose i wear about my neck each day
is hell the meeting i'm late to or the antsy customer
this could be hell.
big hell.
it would be my idea of hell.
this life.
without the love.
the big love.
the little loves.
the lusts.
the wanting time over again.
the forces.
that would be hell. this life.
without the sweet things.
the drives.
the conversations.
the actions.
typing, i like typing.
streaming.
typing.
i've emptied out my words. but i feel fuller.
my eyelids are heavy.
heavy that would indicate this day is done.
one more day.
done.
a happy day of confusion.
and no big love.
a fun day of freidns and indulgance
too much perhaps
today is done.
not many minutes left.
but i like each one of them
like all the ones already gone.
morning will be here very soon.
and traffic. and phones and emails.
he will email. i will like it.
a distraction.
the flaw in my perfectly planned work day.
a flaw.
goodnight.